An Open Letter

Here is an article I wrote for the company, Globe Of Love. This company is an online magazine that provides inspiration and positive messages around the globe for everyone.

Dear anyone who finds it difficult to share, trust someone and listen to themselves,

You are not alone. If you have similar problems with one of these or even all three, do not panic. Recognising these difficulties is the first step in the right direction, as facing your demons is the hardest part to do. Although it may seem second nature to do certain things, to act and respond in a certain way which you think is perfectly normal and acceptable, reflect on how you really feel at that moment, and you will see that some differences need to be made.  

It takes a while for me to trust someone, anyone: friends, family or partners, before I share my feelings, insecurities and problems. The hardest area for me is with relationships because of my difficulty to share my problems (they influence each other more than I imagined) and so, I have a sterling track record of dating assholes. Each asshole I have dated, I have learnt something which has made me even more cautious and prepared for the next guy I date. However, my perception of men, (I know of only one male who I really trust who hasn’t ever hurt me) is negative, but I should not be carrying this perception, this burden, onto the next partner I have, influencing my future relationships because of my past ones. Believe me; I am trying to rid myself of this emotionless ice queen I have become, “You found someone else? That’s cool, I thought your awful in bed anyway”, as it is downright unhealthy for me in the long run. But it’s hard.

I am queen of sharing small useless facts about me that could easily be written in some fun magazine interview, but anything deep and serious? I clam up at the thought of it. Once I dated a guy for four months and one day he turned around and said to me that he knew nothing about me. Instead of me feeling guilty, upset or even negative about this experience, it made me reflect on how I have perfected this art of talking shit.

I have always found it difficult to share my emotions from a young age because of a number of reasons. But as fellow writer Renee states in her article, and what I have finally gained the confidence to do, is the important factor of sharing, as all you need is “a little help from your friends”. It seems I am not the only one who finds it hard to open up to someone and share. If something is bothering you, rather burying it behind other jobs, problems, tasks or anything else to block it out, speak about it. The action itself of speaking aloud your problem makes you feel emotionally and physically lighter than you can imagine. I know it is an intimate act, letting someone know your troubles and insecurities, but they are there for you. It’s the act of wearing your heart on your sleeve, which I dread to do, because it portrays me as weak. But weak is normal. Weak is human. We have our own insecurities and problems and sharing those with other people isn’t actually a weak action, but rather a strong one.

I did a big thing the other day. I told a guy I really care about, that I actually care about him. I even said it seriously, not in a light hearted joke, a casual demeanour or with a roll of the eyes, but carefully. Although this may seem such a minor step to someone who doesn’t suffer from the same problems I have, for anyone else who does, you will know how hard it was for me. I even said it with a disclaimer; letting him know that I was being the most honest I have been with any male, ever. You can imagine his surprise. It made me feel good that I was able to do this, to be honest with myself and to other people. To finally listen to my own thoughts and feelings and do something about it, rather than hide them away and when shit hits the fan, pretend they were never there. Things go wrong in this world that are out of our control and we must accept the consequences. I’m aiming to be more honest with my emotions, (it’s okay to be upset when someone screws you over) become more open and congratulate myself when I share, (the only reason I am writing this article is because I’m focusing on the cathartic release the writing is giving me) and to listen to my own opinion and emotions first, rather than anyone else’s.

For those who are reading this who are similar to me, I urge you to face your demons and begin to share problems and feelings with others. I know it makes you vulnerable, but it’s the right thing to do. “The people who care about you mind what you do, and the people who don’t mind what you do, you shouldn’t care about.” Give time to register emotions when they pop up, healthily and appropriately, and learn to understand why you feel a certain way and what you should do because of it. Switch off from time to time and learn about yourself and what you really want.